


What's in your Heart?

by Angelscythe



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Other, Pre-Kingdom Hearts I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 04:56:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20270350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelscythe/pseuds/Angelscythe
Summary: Since a few moment, something is wrong with Riku.That's what everybody thinks and says. That's what's he's starting to believe too... At this point of his life, everything he wishes for, it's a raft. A raft to run away from this...





	What's in your Heart?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!
> 
> English isn't my first/native language so please, be nice with me, I'm fully aware there is a lot of faults here and I'm doing my best! I hope they won't stop you to like the story.  
Also, I've dislexia so that doesn't help!

Sat on a chair, Riku was waiting while his father was talking to the psychiatric. The lady was really nice and joyful but he hated come here since one year and half now.

While Sora and Kairi were playing together, or doing their homework together, he was there. Waiting. Hoping this could end really soon. It was hard for him because, being older than his friends, he had no classes with them and one of the only day he could see them, the Wednesday, he was here, talking with a lady that asked him so many questions he didn’t want to talk about. She expected him to talk about things but… but he didn’t even know what he had to do?

And the Island was pretty tiny so, yes, you could expect everybody knew he was seeing a psychiatric. You could expect, yes, that he had to deal with the look and the mockery of his friends. Or… supposed friends. Kairi and Sora never mocked him, hopefully, and yet…

In fact… if he had to, there would be one thing he’d talk with the psychiatric but… but he decided he wouldn’t. The discussions he was forced to have told him it would be really bad to talk about that to her.

So he said nothing.

She was nice and joyful but she couldn’t understand.

No one could understand him.

If only he could have talked with someone…

Sometimes, he tried to reach to Kairi or Sora… but couldn’t.

He knew he was odd.

And he just wanted to move away. Run away. They could create a raft, they could disappear. Far away. In Kairi’s World?

Anywhere but here…

Not in the World that refused to accept him…

He wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere where he could…

“It’s done. Come on, little Prince!”

Riku’s father smiled to him.

Riku got up and walked after him, without a word.

The man could see how much his son was sad and then he let out a little sigh before ruffling his hair.

“We should go to Himiko’s tonight! What do you think?!” he offered as he opened the door so they could walk out.

Riku shrugged.

His father was Sora’s mom best friend. They knew each other because he was always with her and because she tried to help him raise his son. But they just failed everything together. at least, their children were friends and happy together.

Or was it just appearance?

“What’s wrong, Riku?” the man pressed, quite worry.

“Do I really have to go there?!” he asked, bitter.

“I thought you’d be happy to see Sora… You two got an argument?”

“I’m not talking about Sora! He’s perf… He’s my best friend,” he caught himself quickly. “I’m talking about the therapist. Why should I have to go there?”

“You know why,” his father replied.

“No. No, I don’t know,” Riku said back.

He stopped and turned to his dad. He could see the tiredness on his face, and his exhausted smile proved how much he was trying everything to take care of him. Holding the whole house alone; bringing food, often fished after his work; and find the way to have enough to pay the psychiatric, it wasn’t easy at all.

It would be good for both of them if that therapist was pushed out of Riku’s life.

He just wanted to run away.

As fast as possible.

“Riku… I don’t want to have this discussion again.”

“Then, try to understand _me_!!”

“I _am_ trying!” the father said. “I swear, Riku! I’m trying…”

“It shouldn’t be that hard…” Riku turned over and walked along the road. “I don’t want to eat tonight. You can go at Sora’s alone…”

He moved away, letting, on purpose, his father alone. He didn’t want to let him win this one. He didn’t really care, at this exact moment, if the man was lost, just at the entry of the psychiatric’s house and office. He didn’t care if he was unable to know what to do.

He totally didn’t care if he had hurt him.

He just wanted to be alone. Just wanted to be with the only one who could understand him.

Himself.

Of course, Riku was wrong.

He was fifteen. He couldn’t understand himself. Yet.

There were so many things he couldn’t understand. He wished to understand it, obviously!! He wanted it so much…

Perhaps…

Perhaps, he was the one in fault, the one mistaking himself?

_Tap tap._

Suddenly, the mattress moved down and he felt a body against his.

“Not today…” Riku said.

“Are you sure? I brought you dessert!” There was, indeed, a soft smell of chocolate and Himiko, Sora’s mom, being extremely gifted to do Chocolate Soufflé, and nothing else, Riku’s stomach growled. “And a sandwich! I did it for you!”

Riku turned on his back and watched his friend, his best friend… Just above him.

He looked down.

Perhaps he had to see a psychiatric? Because the feelings he had for Sora… they were wrong. How could they be something else than wrong? Sora was not only his best friend but a pure Light and yet… yet, he had thoughts about him. He wanted to hold his hand; be around him to protect him if things were going too wrong; be with him all the time, every second of every day of every year.

Seeing a psychiatric was supposed to help him to be normal, as his father said. Not having feeling for your best friend, not those kinds of feelings at least, was what was normal. And so, he couldn’t talk about them. He was too afraid she would actually rip them off from him. He knew it was bad. He knew he couldn’t have this love. But he cherished it. Almost as much as Sora.

“Come on! If you don’t eat them, I’ll do it!”

“Who prepared the sandwich?” Riku asked.

He still remembered the time Himiko tried to prepare one and had put cocktail on cheese in a fish sandwich. She was just like Sora. Or he was just like his mother. She was full of joy and just wanted to do the best. But she had to let cooking to her husband because her kindness was the death of every stomach meeting her.

Once again, except for the Chocolate Soufflé that was, by whatever miracle, always delicious.

“Me! Don’t worry! I’ve your back!” he smiled.

Riku cast him a smirk.

“Thank you.”

He took the sandwich and bit in it.

Not because he was hungry. Just because this could please Sora.

“You remember your raft idea?”

Sora bent over his best friend, their visage being so close for a few seconds. Fortunately, Sora saw nothing of the redness over Riku’s cheeks because he was laying down the piece of Soufflé, in a curved plate, on the nightstand.

“Of course?”

“We talked with Kairi earlier and we’re in! She said she’s not sure we can actually move away but…” He sat back next to Riku. “It could be fun?”

“Why she doesn’t believe in this?”

“Because she said she’s not sure it’s possible. She’s not sure there is something else.”

“But she fell from the Sky, in the day of the Meteor Shower,” Riku reminded.

“Yeah, I know. But…”

“And there were other people coming from somewhere else,” Riku whispered before biting again in the sandwich.

“Yeah! And Grandpa left the Islands too!!!” Sora said cheerfully.

His best friend looked at him with a sorry look.

Sora didn’t have to see him to notice that…

“Oh my God! He’s dead!!!”

“Sorry…”

“Oh my God!!!”

He was just two or maybe three when his mother said so to him, because he was the only children of the Island to have no grandmother, no grandfather. Now, it was obvious…

And Sora felt a little dumb.

“But if it can’t work and we’re still here… we will have fun at least!” Sora smiled. “No?”

“Yes…”

But he wanted to set free. Move so far away from there.

“When?”

“Soon?”

“Soon when?” Riku asked.

Sora looked by the window. There were some discussions he would want to have with Kairi too. If she was there, he could talk without worries.

“We’ll talk about that with Kairi!” he said, grinning.

“We need a big raft. A really big raft,” Riku pointed out. “Whether we have to cut the trunk or find them.”

Sora nodded as Riku was thinking.

“Maybe waiting for the next storm…” he whispered.

But the weather was quite calm… He could have to wait a long moment.

“Yeah! But don’t worry! We could wait!” Sora smiled.

Riku forced himself to reply to it.

He couldn’t wait.

He wanted to be far away from there…

As he was walking in the corridors of the school, Riku had the feelings people were looking him, glancing at him.

But he always had this feeling.

He knew he wasn’t like them. This wasn’t something they could see but something he knew. Especially at some moments. Each time he saw a girl and a boy almost making out in public. They were at the age where everybody did that, where it was just so normal for them… The time where the teachers kept asking them to stop that. You could hear, at every moment:

“Nahayo, Kimishi, not here! Step aside!”

Their Island had the reputation to be pretty correct and to respect the limit of the decency. Most of the time. It seemed they lost themselves inside of the corridors of the school. Maybe because they hadn’t the chance to see them outside?

Sometimes, you’d heard horrible stories about young going to the bathrooms for more than kisses. Some students talked about affairs between teachers…

Riku wanted to know nothing about that.

It was…

It was…

He had no words.

He just didn’t want to know.

Riku snaked around the corridors and joined the court where they all could meet for ten minutes as a tiny break.

He ignored others students because he didn’t want to think about that and just walked straight forward Sora and Kairi, already talking.

His Heart felt heavy and painful, once again.

Even more painful when he was looking Sora…

“Hey,” he said, stopping next to them.

“Hey!” Sora replied.

Kairi moved her hand on the side, smiling.

“Nice to see you, Riku! We’ll need you to help us with our homework!”

“Something that hard?” he asked.

She opened her bag.

“Noooo! It just funnier when you’re here and it’s a good excuse for you to come with us,” she said with a wink.

Though it really was a good call to have a friend in a class above them. When they didn’t understand something, Riku could help them.

“Yes. And after, we could do the raft?” he eagerly asked.

“Yes!” she smiled.

She removed waffles with big piece of sugar from her bag and offered one to each of her friend.

“Thank you! What do we do if we can’t come back?” Sora quickly asked, showing that this question was in his mind since a moment.

Riku shrugged, thanking Kairi before biting in the waffle.

How much he liked his father, he didn’t want to stay here.

“If we can leave, we can come back,” Kairi replied with a sure tone.

“And if we can’t?” Sora asked again.

This was his main concern. Being with Riku and Kairi was fine to him but never see his mother and his father again?

Kairi looked up, looked the sky that was, at night, sparkled with a Million Stars and yet… yet, they were vanishing each Night. If the Legend saying that one Star was one World was true… perhaps they wouldn’t come back, indeed.

Could she tell it to them?

No.

“There is always a way,” she stated with a soft and convinced tone. “We’ll come back.” She glanced at Riku, eating in silence. “If we wanna. I just wanna stay with you, guys,” she smiled.

“SAME!”

Sora jumped to her to hug her tightly. She laughed as she hugged him back.

Riku didn’t move.

None of them said anything and he just watched as they were laughing and sharing. He didn’t need much. Seeing them happy, especially Sora, was all he needed…

How could this be bad?

_Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing._

“Classes!!”

Sora turned around and ran toward the building he had classes. Mathematic. His worst class. Kairi will have to support him and so, she moved to run after him.

But a hand around his wrist prevent her to.

“Kairi, I… I need to talk with you. Can you… help me?”

She turned her head to him, smiling.

“Of course.”

“It’s… It’s hard to talk about…”

It? That? What to say? How to say it…

“You’re in love with Sora?” she said.

He watched her, his eyes as wide as plates.

“Don’t worry! I don’t think he saw it but… Oh!” she covered her lips with the tip of her fingers. “Maybe you _want_ him to know it.”

Riku shook his head.

“No, I… No. I…” He looked down, feeling his Heart shattering, swelling, leaking… got lost. “How did you notice it?”

“Well… it’s pretty obvious. You don’t love him and me the same way. I can’t… explain it. But I see it.”

Riku hesitated.

Around them, the crowd was moving to go at their classes and he hadn’t much time before he needed to leave for his own lesson…

“Is it bad?” he asked with worry.

“Bad? Why would it bad?”

Riku could give her a million reasons. It was his best friend, he risked to ruin their friendships; it was wrong to have those feelings for someone he cherished that much; if he says to Sora what he felt and Sora didn’t, he would destroy their friendship. To the three of them. Maybe, perhaps, make things very uncomfortable for their parents.

And so many others.

“Don’t worry, Riku,” she pressed. “You’re fantastic and you’re the best! If one day you decide to confess yourself to Sora, things won’t go wrong. And you could stay friend with him, don’t worry,” she said, pushing back a silver lock behind his ear. “You won’t lose him.”

Riku forced a smile.

“Thank you.”

It was what she said and maybe she was right. But as he looked her run to join back Sora and have the class with him.

Maybe Kairi had seen something, maybe she had eased his Heart a little but… she was wrong.

She was so wrong…

He didn’t want to talk about that to her…

Storm. There was a storm, outside. Tomorrow, the beaches will be filled with big branches, leaves or trunk all around. Maybe some rope and others debris coming from unlucky boats.

“Riku. … Riku? … Riku! I’m talking to you!”

Riku moved his head toward the psychiatric. She was nice and joyful but she didn’t like to talk to a wall.

As she saw the Turquoise eyes coming back to the window, she got up and closed the curtains with a friendly smile. That had nothing friendly at all to him.

“Can we talk?” she said, sitting back.

“I have nothing to say,” he replied.

“You look closed those last séances,” she pointed out with worries.

Fake worries?

They seemed fake to Riku.

“I have nothing more to say,” he replied. “I told the same things every time to you. Nothing changed. I’m not like the others and I don’t think I will ever be one day.”

“You’re not doing enough efforts, I believe. And you’re still young. This can change,” she pointed out. “Maybe in few months and…”

“_You_’re saying this to me every week. I don’t need that! I don’t feel the need to go to someone and to…” Riku didn’t even know how to say it. “… have sex with them?”

He could see the look of the psychiatric. So joyful, so friendly and… yet, looking him as if he was just a Monster.

He felt so.

He felt like a Monster since one year and half… he was almost fourteen back this time and the teachers thought it was weird that he didn’t want to have a girlfriend. And his father could add some because, as they were talking, he realized that his son had really no sexual need or envy. Which was strange because hormones were starting to buzz within him. At first, his father was lost and talking with the teacher, with the therapist from the school, he just tried to do the best.

Was it the best?

Riku wondered.

Because, since one year and half, he was pointed out as a freak. He should want to make out with anyone? Any stranger? He wasn’t _sure_ it was that exactly, to be fair, but he really had the feeling they would all be happy if he did.

Some days, he thought… he thought he had to force himself?

It was more normal to have sex.

It was the right thing to do.

After all, Humans, and every being in this World, had only reproduction as goal in life, isn’t it?

And dying virgin was seen as the worst thing ever. If not, why every virgin depicted in movie always felt the need to lose this precious thing if they could die?

Every day, Riku received thousands and thousands signals telling him he was abnormal.

Of course, he thought he was doing wrongly. Of course, he thought he was a Monster.

Not only he was loving his best friend but he wasn’t even able to give him what one could ask. If Sora accepted his feelings, if they were together, he would impose him the fact he was a freak. Or should he force himself… for Sora, he could.

He didn’t want to.

But he was so afraid to say no, so afraid to see the disappointment in Sora’s eyes.

It always had been like that.

If he could have talked to Kairi, he would have known. He never had seen her judging anyone. If she didn’t judge him, he would have a chance?

But this was bad.

He couldn’t just judge his friends.

He wanted to leave. He wanted to go in another World. Somewhere people wouldn’t look him as if he’d just say he loved kill kitten for the Breakfast when he said he felt no need, no envy to have sex… He wished people wouldn’t say to him that would change.

He knew.

He knew that was something he couldn’t say.

And he didn’t even understood why…

But slowly, with every look, every comment, every weird question when he tried to talk about it, his Heart darkened.

He didn’t know where to go.

What to do.

He was lost…

Just so lost.

He couldn’t wait enough to finish this raft with Sora and Kairi.

He couldn’t wait enough to leave this place…

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little precision if you got until here.
> 
> I'm Ace. Those things Riku had to pass through and some of his thoughts are quite personnals... (I kinda want to write more to be honest, brought more of those things I lived with?)
> 
> Also, please, remember you're loved and to stay hydrated! Whatever you're planning to do, just do it (unless it's illegal). Be proud of yourself!!!


End file.
